Bad Art I Am Compelled To Share

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Corporate Toad

This whole thing started as a weird little doodle I did while waiting for my toast to pop up. (Did you notice the coffee stain?) It was one of those doodles where you put a bunch of random dots on a piece of paper and then connect the dots and see what it looks like. My random sketch looked like a big toad mouth and my toast wasn’t done yet, so I added some other stuff. I ended up liking it so much I decided to redo it as a watercolor and here is the result.
Here’s some bonus trivia about this watercolor; I painted it while I was naked. I just finished more yard work. (UGH!) When I finished with the yard and came in, a load of laundry was going; I didn’t feel like fighting for the hot water. I knew I would have about an hour so, I took of my filthy clothes, put a towel on the fool and started painting. I didn’t set out to paint naked but I liked it! It felt so bohemian. I think everyone should try it.

Do you ever paint naked? Do you want to leave me some love?

Friday, May 26, 2006

Bunny Cake

When I was in the third grade my school had a fair at the end of the year to raise money. Part of the fair was going to be a cakewalk and most of the kids got their mothers to bake something for it. Claire Winston, the rich, pretty girl that everyone envied, brought to school a special bunny cake that her mother had made.

The bunny cake was amazing. It must have been three feet long with giant ears and a bowtie. It was covered in white frosting outlined with blue. The bunny face had gumdrops for eyes, nose and mouth and licorice whiskers.

The whole class coveted the bunny cake and we knew Claire must have the perfect life and family. I imagined being Claire that day. The perfect mom waiting after school to drive you home in the Jaguar. Arriving home then taking a swim in the backyard pool that overlooks the entire valley, while mom makes pork chops and dad watches the evening news. I wanted that cake so bad. It would be like having a small piece of perfection for my very own.

On the day of the fair I was given two dollars and told to have fun. I was allowed to walk to the fair alone because my family only lived a few blocks away. I arrived at the fair before it began and waited anxiously for the cakewalk to start.

When it finally opened I spent half my money on a ticket that would let me take three turns. The first time around the circle I landed on number seven and they called number six. The old woman in front of me chose a pineapple upside down cake from the table of goodies. There was still hope.

Another person took the old woman’s spot, the music started again and we all walked around the circle. This time I landed on number twelve and they called twenty-five. The teenage girl who won walked to the winner’s table and looked over the cakes. She started to grab the bunny cake and my heart sank. Suddenly, she changed her mind and took a seven layer chocolate cake instead. I still had a chance!

Her spot was filled and the music started again. This time I landed on twenty-three. I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers. They called out number twenty-three. I had won! I almost fainted. I ran to the prize table and claimed the bunny cake. I didn’t bother to stay for any more of the fair. Beaming with pride I walked home with my prize and snuck it into my room. This cake was going to be mine and mine alone.

After admiring the bunny cake for several minutes I decided to start by eating one of the ears. I put a huge forkful in my mouth. The cake was some kind of apple-spice and completely awful. The bunny cake was totally stale, the frosting tasted like it was all butter and cream with no sugar, even the gumdrop face and licorice whiskers were rock hard and not worth eating.

I ran into Claire Winston a month later at the Circle K. She was sitting in the front of a U-Haul with her arm hanging out the window while her dad bought some cigarettes. I walked up to the van and said, "Hey Claire. Is your family moving?"

"Yeah." She said. "My parents got a divorce and my dad and I are moving to Idaho. Hey, didn’t you win the bunny cake my mom baked for the school fair?"

"Yeah. It was good." I lied

"Really?" Claire asked surprised

"Well, actually it was horrible. I couldn’t eat it."

"I hate them too." She giggled. "My mom makes one of those cakes every Easter. I can’t stand them. My mom’s a really bad cook."

Then her dad got in the van and they drove away. Claire’s life was like that bunny cake. That’s the moment I realized and really learned, appearances can be deceiving and it’s what on the inside that really counts.

If you would like to know how I made this picture click HERE!

How are your insides? How would you like to leave some love?


This is my picture for Illustration Friday the theme is cake.

This is only the second time I've ever used watercolor pencils. The first time was the previous post, Biscuits and Beer. When I finished Biscuits and Beer I was a little disappointed because I didn't like how the ink smeared. Gorky informed me that it was because I was supposed to do the inking last. That sounded crazy to me how the Hell do you know where the paint goes? Anyhow, Gorky's the artist so I tried it her way. Here's the steps I used.

I drew the sketch using my Faber-Castle 3-H pencil on a piece of watercolor paper provided by Gorky.
Next, I erased the sketch leaving only a faint outline and colored it in with some watercolor pencils, also provided by Gorky.
After that I got a brush wet and spread the color around.
The last step was to ink it in with my beloved Gel-Roller. Gorky was right. The ink didn't smudge. Thanks Gorky.
There's a story that goes with this picture but it was so long I decided to make that story a different post. It's a pretty good story. Gorky thinks so too. It's just a little longer that my normal posts. Anyhow, if you want to read the story click HERE!

Do you ever get wordy? Do you want to leave some love?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Biscuits and Beer

Ahh... The breakfast of champions, biscuits and beer. I didn't really have this for breakfast but, when I showed the finished picture to Gorky she said, "Nice. Is that what you had for breakfast?"

I think she's still grumpy about losing all her money at poker a few nights ago.

Anyhow, this is not what I had for breakfast. It's what I had for lunch. Did you notice the beer is empty? I need a nap. I'll be back in a few hours.

(A few hours later.)

That's better. Now my head's not so foggy. Biscuits and Beer was drawn on an old file folder with a Faber-Castle 3-H pencil, then inked over with my gel roller, then I colored it using watercolor pencils.

I need a beer to clear my head. This artist life is awesome.

Most of that story is not true.

Do you do anything wild to find your muse? Do you want to leave some love?

Saturday, May 20, 2006


I was sitting on the couch with Gorky watching Maverick while holding my clipboard and a scrap of blank paper trying to think of something to draw. I wanted to get another post in before the day was over. I sighed and thought, I need a brainstorm and suddenly there it was my idea. Then I had another brainstorm. I looked at Gorky confused and asked, "Can you draw me a brain? I'm not sure what they look like and I had an idea about a sketch."

She took the clipboard and pencil and scribbled away. A minute later she was handing me back the picture. I looked at the brain she had drawn and said, "Wow! That's awesome. Could you draw a couple more?"

Gorky looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "I just want to get a few different perspectives. Come on... Please? It only took you a minute." I pleaded.

She took the clipboard again and drew the other four brains. When she finished I grabbed my gel roller and started inking in the brains and drew me trying to run out of the brainstorm. A minute later Gorky noticed what I was doing and said, "Hey! You're just inking in the things I drew."

"I know!" I screamed as I jumped off the couch to run upstairs and post this illustration.

Bwhahahahahahahaha... Ahem.

The brains where drawn by Gorky with a Faber-Castle 3-H pencil then inked over by me with my gel roller on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up in Photoshop. I started to color in the illustration, but decided I liked the black and white look.

When was your last brainstorm? When was the last time you left some love?

Friday, May 19, 2006


This my picture for Illustration Friday the theme is sorry. "Sorry" was drawn with a Faber-Castle 3-H pencil then inked over with my Gel Roller on a piece of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop. I struggled with this theme. At first I was just going to post a silly picture of a guy getting whacked with a bowling ball, but I decided to dig a little deeper.

On may 23, 1999 I married a woman I had been living with for six years. I was very much in love. Six weeks later, I came home and my wife said to me, "I made a mistake. I'm leaving." Then she was gone.

I was completely blindsided and went a little crazy. While under the spell of my craziness, I decided to get rid of everything and go driving around the country. One of the things I got rid of was my cat Zelda. I ended up giving her to the woman who had briefly been my mother-in-law.

Zelda was the first pet that was ever all mine. I was there when she was born and we were together for over ten years. She was the runt of the litter, with long hair, no tail and Siamese markings. Zelda was a bit of a scaredy cat, but she was also the most loving animal I'd ever been around. She had a penchant for sleeping under the covers on top of your belly and lying in the sun on her back. I miss her terribly.

God/dess knows I'm no saint. I've done a lot of stupid things and I'm sure I've hurt a lot of people, but the only thing I really feel sorry about is giving up my cat while in a delusional stupor. Thinking about it still makes me cry. In fact, I'm crying right now.

Anyhow, that's why this is my picture for Illustration Friday's sorry theme. Now, if you'll pardon me I'm going to go have a good cry. I'll try to catch up on comments later tonight.

Here's the only picture I have left of Zelda.

Do you ever have a good cry? Do you want to leave some love?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Angels and Devils II

This my second picture for this weeks Illustration Friday the theme is angels and devils. (What can I say, I like the theme.) "Angels and Devils II" was drawn with a Faber-Castle 3-H pencil then inked over with my Gel Roller on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. My mother is an angel and I'm a little devil. To make up for all the years of Hell I put my mother through, I'm taking her out to dinner and a movie.

Yeah... That should about cover it.

Do you love your mother? Will you love me?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Angels and Devils

This my picture for Illustration Friday the theme is angels and devils. "Angels and Devils" was drawn with a Faber-Castle 3-H pencil then inked over with my Gel Roller on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop.

I usually spend about an hour doing a picture, but today I took my time and I enjoyed it. I started the illo while listening to Animals. When that was over I put on Brutal Youth and finished inking just as that CD ended. It took the entire Sex, Age & Death album to do the Photoshop work. I popped in Close to the Edge just as I got on-line and that's what's playing now.

Just thought I would add those fun facts. Here's some more; I spent the whole day doing yard work. Ok, not the whole day, but six nonstop hours of it. My arms and legs are shaking. I didn't mean to spend time on the yard today. I just went out to the garage to see if the weed whacker still worked. We had some problems with it at the end of last summer. I got the stupid thing put together and I wanted to test it so I tried it, and once I got started I couldn't stop. Then after all the weed whacking I decided I better mow the rest of the lawn before it got super long again, then the next thing you know it's seven o'clock. I feel tired in a good way even though I'm not real crazy about yard work. Anyhow, I don't know what any of this has to do with angels and devils.

All I really wanted to do today was sit around in my underwear and play Destroy All Humans. (*sigh*) Ain't it the life though.

Do you love to whack weeds? Do you love me?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Still Life with Potato Salad

Today I learned I fit into the huge pair of jeans that used to be too big for me. I guess that's a good thing because now, I don't have to buy new jeans. So, I spent the money on candy and the ingredients to make potato salad.

Today I also learned, just because you can eat a bowl of potato salad that's bigger that your head, doesn't mean you should. I guess I just figured if I got the big jeans on I might as well fill them out.

My tummy full of potato salad also inspired this illustration. "Still Life with Potato Salad" was drawn on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper then colored in Photoshop.

Do you love big bowls of food? Do you want to leave some love for the new bigger me?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Almost Cut My Hair

No, that's not Fabio you're looking at. It's just me, The Unknown. I guess it's about time I got a haircut.

"You need to get a haircut." That's what everyone keeps telling me. Gorky said it, my mom said it, five different people I work with, even the 12 year old neighbor kid I don't know. "Hey, old man, get a haircut. Geeeesh." He said to me.

"Geeeesh"? I think that's teenage speak for; "You're over thirty, which means you're older than dirt, so you aren't aloud to have hair past your ears because it makes you look like a total dill weed."

I didn't set out to have these long flowing locks. It just sort of happened. I've only had hair this long once before, but it was the grunge era, so no one cared. I actually prefer my hair a little shorter. It's just easier to manage. Although I have to admit the long hair is growing on me. (Whahahahahaha... Ahem. I smell a bad pun.)

Geeeesh! That was a long way to go to the store to find out it was closed. I really do need a haircut though.

"Long Hair" was drawn on the back of a receipt from my favorite bookstore with my gel roller, then colored in Photoshop. The actual sketch is quite small. About 1/3 the size of a dollar bill.

What kind of haircut should I get? Do you think a good haircut will make you want to leave some love?

Friday, May 05, 2006


Frankly, the rest of the U.S. and I are sick of scooping your poop.

This my picture for Illustration Friday the theme is fat. "Fat" was drawn with a Faber-Castle 3-H pencil (It's true, I bought an art pencil.) then inked over with my Gel Roller on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop.

Well my Loves, two for one was so popular I'm doing it again. That's right, just leave me a comment on this post and I will hit you back with two!

Do you love fat cats? Do you want to leave some love for me?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Anger Cookies

She baked cookies for her sons when she got mad,
When they were finished she then would feel glad,

Her two children would eat these ire filled treats,
Full of sugar and fury they would take to the streets,

With their tummy's full of fuming baked goods,
Causing nothing but trouble they soon became hoods,

Just like a junkie who can't quit his drugs,
Those darn kids grew into a couple of thugs,

One son robbed banks the other was a bookie,
The lesson, of course, is don't bake anger cookies.

This silly poem is part of an idea for a vegan cookbook that I've slowly been working on. The idea is to have a book of silly, food related, stories and delicious recipe's for vegan junk-food. (Two subjects that are dear to my heart.) Yes, it's true. The Unknown loves to cook.

Do you love to cook? Do you love it more when someone cooks for you? Do you want to leave some love?