Bad Art I Am Compelled To Share

Saturday, April 29, 2006


We have a winner! Actually, we have three winners. Andydoodler is the winner of the most recent "All Alike" contest. Tony is the winner of the old "All Alike" contest and Clo is a winner for keeping me honest. All three of them have won; a print of the "All Alike" picture signed by The Unknown and a hand written love note. Of course in my heart you're all winners for playing along.

I once thought I was a winner. When I was four years old I had to stay over night in the hospital after having my tonsils taken out. Alone and scared in the hospital room that night I started to cry. A nurse working the graveyard shift heard me crying and came in to comfort me.

"There, there." The nurse cooed. "If I take you to see Winnie the Pooh will you stop crying?"

I had recently seen a live production of Winnie the Pooh and got exited at the prospect of meeting Pooh himself. I knew he existed, I had seen him with my own eyes just a few weeks ago.
"Winnie the Pooh is here? Really?" I stuttered in amazement.

"Promise to stop crying and I'll take you to see him." The nurse replied.

"OK." I said with glee.

The nurse scooped me up and carried me off through long passages and several doorways. I was excited but the trip seemed to be taking forever. On and on the nurse walked. I was growing tired and finally I must have nodded off.

I awoke in the nurse's arms. She was shaking me gently and pointing to a small sticker of Winnie the Pooh on someone's desk lamp. "There's Winnie the Pooh. Now, go back to sleep." Whispered the nurse.

I wanted to argue but sleep got the better of me and I drifted off again.

I awoke the next day. My mother was sitting by the bed and they gave me ice cream.

You don't always get what you expect but if you're lucky you'll get ice cream.

Do you love being a winner? Do you want to love me?

Friday, April 28, 2006

Under the Sea

Thanks to unpaid gambling debts,
And a few really bad bets,
Lefty would learn,
As his lungs began to burn,
His childhood dream of living under the sea,
Wasn't as cool as he thought it would be.

(To get the FULL experience from this post, please use your best snake oil salesman's voice while reading.) This here is my picture and poem for Illustration Friday, the theme is Under the Sea. "Under the Sea" was drawn on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop. The bad art poem was written right here in the blog-o-sphere.

That's right Ladies and gentlemen, It's a two for one! Just imagine the technology it took to bring these two things together. Yet here they are right now for your enjoyment.

I know, I know... You're thinking to yourself, "Say, he's right. I did enjoy myself."

Well, if you act fast the warm gooshy feeling you have can continue.

Now you're thinking, "How is that possible?"

I tell you how! All you have to do is leave me a little old comment and then at the end of your comment say, *love*. That's all you have to do. You do that and I'll guarantee to come on over to your blog and leave at least two comments. On different posts of course, and providing it don't take me more that five minutes to read said post... And it's not one of them there blogs that won't let me leave a comment, like Deviant Art or MSN blogs, stuff like that... And don't expect my comments to appear instantly. I have a life for Pete's sake and the sun's been out. That's the reason I posting so late today. It was so beautiful out I just couldn't sit still long enough to get anything done.

Pardon me. I do believe I've gotten off track.

Just be sure to leave me some *love* and it's two for one! Act fast because this offer ends Monday, May 1 at midnight. My time zone a course. (Thank you for using your best snake oil salesman's voice. You can stop now.)

Do you love two for one? Do you want to leave some love for me?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Still Hungry (Fritz Follies 7)

(If you're new to the Follies, clicking on the title of the post will take you to the previous installment.) love

After the explosion and the death of Hellcat our heroes decide they better get off the train. Unfortunately they still haven't gotten any breakfast and the Grumpiest Girl is not happy about it.

The Grumpiest Girl is correct. Luckily, ValGalArt has a plan!

Because everybody is still hungry, except ValGalArt, we are on our way to the Waffle House, where Janet is waiting with a taxi.

Whoops! I didn't realize it had been almost two months since the last Fritz installment. Time flies when you're having fun. I'm hope it won't be another two months before the next episode. Unless I'm having too much fun again.

Do you ever have too much fun? Do you want to love me?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

All Alike, Again

Well, I finally got a new ink cartridge for my printer. So, the contest is back on! Tell me something these three items have in common and the funniest commenter will receive a copy of this illustration, signed by me, plus a hand written love note. The only rule is you can't say they all suck, because that would be too easy. I will pick a winner next Saturday the 29th.

I am crazy busy so, I won't be on line today after posting this. I will try to catch up with you all on Sunday or Monday.

And now, some bragging. I'm giddy as a schoolgirl. I get to meet three of my favorite celebrities today! Chuck Barris, Art Alexakis and Peter Buck! I hope I don't get tongue-tied or embarrass myself.

Please leave me some love.

Friday, April 21, 2006


Dick Cheney loves to play with his robot.
This is my picture for Illustration Friday, the theme is robot. "Robot" was drawn on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop.

I used all of my creative powers to draw this picture and now I can't think of a good caption. How about a little help?

Do you have a funny caption for this illustration? Do you want to leave me some love?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

3 - 6 - 9 - 12

3 Big crows in my neighbor's yard,
6 Beady eyes on me,
9 Minutes until the sun goes down,
12 Minutes since I lost my key.

3 Big crows upon my fence,
6 Talons click with glee,
9 Times I curse myself,
12 Feet away death awaits me.

3 Big crows on my porch,
6 Caws saying curse ye,
9 Seconds ago she opened the door,
12 Seconds now I've been free.

3 Big crows fade into the night,
6 Black wings I'll never more see,
9 Kisses I give my love,
12 Kisses she returns to me.

"3 - 6 - 9 - 12" was drawn on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then colored in Photoshop and was inspired by the three black crows that are always sitting in my neighbor's yard.

Do you love bad poetry? Do you love me?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Happy Easter

Someday I will have children, then my mother can stop taunting my brother's dog Angus, and start humiliating the Grandkids. Until then I guess Angus will have to suffer through all that affection.

Some of you may recognize Angus. He was the subject of one of my first Illustration Friday pictures and because my mother went to all the trouble of dressing him up for Easter, I thought I better share it with all my Loves.

Happy Easter, if you're into that kind of thing. If not, happy chocolate bliss out day.

"Angus Easter" was drawn on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored with Photoshop and here's the real thing.
Do you love to dress up your pets? Do you want to leave me some love?

Friday, April 14, 2006


Karen spotted her true love on the other side of the room.

This is my picture for Illustration Friday the theme is spotted. "Spotted" was drawn on the back of a business card, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop.

When did you first spot your true love? Would you like to leave some love for me?

P.S. Thanks to all of you for leaving some love on my post "Sock Monkey's Paw" and helping make my wish come true.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


I am anxious. Gorky has a dance performance tonight. I have watched her perform many times and never felt nervous. This time however, she was so nervous about everything that I couldn’t help but get nervous too.

The show is a little different this time because it’s a bigger venue and part of a citywide, month long Mozart celebration. Gorky also choreographed one of the pieces in the production and, to top everything off, a lot of friends and family are going to be there.

I dropped her off at the stage door a few hours ago. Then I went home, showered, shaved and put on my best clothes. Now I’m sitting here anxiously waiting for it to be time for me to leave. I got ready way to early.

I couldn’t relax so; I decided to whip out a quick illustration to take my mind off the waiting.

“Anxious” was draw on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then cleaned up and colored in Photoshop.

Do you ever get anxious for other people? Do you want to leave some love?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sock Monkey's Paw

Monkey's Paw was drawn on a scrap of multi-purpose copy paper, then colored in Photoshop. I like the way the grass looks.

Today on my way downtown I noticed a sock monkey's paw lying in the street. I giggled to myself thinking about the old story by W.W. Jacobs. Maybe I should grab the monkey's paw and try for three wishes? Of course I know there's no such thing as magic or wish granting sock monkey paws, I laughed at the thought as I continued my journey.

As I ran my errands that day I couldn't stop thinking about that damn sock monkey's paw. I used to believe in magic what happened? What if I really could get three wishes from that stupid thing and what did I have to lose from trying, except maybe a dirty hand. I decided to grab the paw on the way home and see what would happen.

Luckily that evening when I came home the sock monkey's paw was still there. I snatched it up greedily and let out and evil laugh, "Bwhahahahahahahaha... Three wishes all for me. The power is mine. All mine! Bwhahahahaha." Then I ran into the house thinking of all the wonderful things I was going to have.

I closed the door and turned around still clutching the sock monkey's paw. When I looked up Gorky was staring at me. "What is that?" She said with disdain.

"Umm... Well... Umm... It's a sock monkey's paw I found in the street." I replied.

"Well, why did you pick it up?"

"I... Err..."

"Well, it's filthy, throw the thing away."

"But I..."

"Don't argue with me that thing is covered in germs and don't you dare throw it away in the house. Take that thing outside and get rid of it."

"All right." I said and sulked my way outside.

When I got back in the house I looked at my hand and it was covered in slime. "Damn it. I wish I had a wet-wipe." I said.

"Weird." Gorky replied. "I never buy these but today they were on sale so I grabbed some." She said as she handed me a wet-wipe from her bag.

"Oh no!" I screamed. "I wish I hadn't said that."

"Said what?" Gorky asked.

"Ahhhhh! I just wasted two wishes!" I shrieked as I ran from the house to retrieve the sock monkey's paw.

Strangely, the sock monkey's paw was no longer in the trash where I had put it. I have learned my lesson though; never doubt the power of magic.

I think I still have one wish left.

I wish I could get seventy-five different lovers to leave some love on this post. Will you leave some love?

My wish came true on 4/17/06
75 Different Lovers left 108 drops of love.
Proving my theory, that sock monkey paws are magickal.

Friday, April 07, 2006


This is my picture for Illustration Friday, the theme is speed. "Speed" was drawn on the back of a list of things I'm supposed to get done today. Because of my list I decided to use speed as the theme as well as my drawing technique. So, I drew the illustration in under a minute then spent two minutes coloring the image in Photoshop.

In the future fast food will be genetically altered to run away. This will help to fight obesity in America.

There you have it. My speedy, speed illustration.

How fast can you leave some love?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Stupidity + Luck = Courage

Courage vs Stupidity was drawn on three small scraps of paper that I taped together, I cleaned up and colored the image with Photoshop.

A few days ago I was asked, "What's the bravest thing you've ever done?"

This is the story that came to mind...

Some years back I had the opportunity to go snorkeling around Johnston Atoll, it's a cute little place, a mile long and three quarters of a mile wide, located five hundred and fifty miles south, southwest of Hawaii. A chance like that doesn't come along everyday, so of course I said yes.

A few things you should know. First, Johnston Atoll, I'm told, is one of the most shark infested areas in the world. Second, I am freaked out by sharks. When I was in the fourth grade I loved the ocean, I was fascinated by it. I wanted to be an oceanographer. Then I saw "Jaws" and it ruined everything for me. I have been scared of the open sea ever since. To top everything off, I had never been snorkeling before.

There was five of us going on the swim, four amateurs and our guide, Sergeant Ben Lawson. Before going out we all had to watch a video about the dangers of sea life, why you shouldn't taunt the animals and why splashing around was a bad idea. We also had to pass a swim test. The swim test consisted of throwing your mask and fins off a dock and into the water, jumping in, putting them on and then swimming out to a buoy and back.

We took the test one at a time. I was the third one to go. I didn't have any problems getting the mask and fins on and at the time I was a pretty good swimmer, so with fins swimming a hundred yards out and back seemed like it would be a breeze.

The water here was incredibly clear as soon as I put the mask on I could see almost all the way out to the buoy. After I got about thirty yards off the dock I noticed something big and gray out past the buoy swimming towards me.

My first thought was, Oh, it's just another snorkeler. My next thought was that thing is too deep to be a snorkeler and we've been the only ones out here for the last hour. Then I thought, well this is it the moment of my death. A shark is going to eat me.

I considered turning around but according to the video sharks are really only dangerous at night, when they feed, or if you're making a big commotion, or if you're bleeding, or if there's a bunch of them in one place.

This thing was near the bottom now swimming closer and closer. I knew this shark would smell the fear flooding off me and attack. I considered turning around again but the fear of embarrassing myself kept me swimming toward the buoy. In that moment I figured it was better to take the chance of being killed by a shark than to face the humiliation of being called a pussy. The fear of humiliation made me face my own fear. Is that courage?

I was about fifty yards out when I realized the big gray thing coming toward me was two people scuba diving, one behind the other in gray wet suits. I waved as they swam passed and they waved back. They I finished my swim test.

I went on the snorkeling adventure. It was amazing and terrifing and one of the most wonderful things I've ever gotten to do.

If that had turned out to really be a shark I don't know what I would have done. I probably would have panicked and splashed away like a fool, but for one moment I made the choice to face my fear. That fear turned out to be something that couldn't hurt me. Maybe that's the way it is with all our fears or maybe it was just dumb luck.

What do you think? Was it courage or stupidity? Do you think you will leave some love?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Post 100

Well, here it is. My one hundredth post. I wanted to do something funny and cool. Unfortunately I haven't felt very inspired lately. In fact, it was a struggle just to get out the three posts for the week. Since I couldn't come up with anything cool, I decided to post a picture from a guest artist. Enjoy my Loves.

This wonderful illustration was drawn by the beautiful Gorky Love. Gorky and I had been dating for about 6 months and I asked her to draw me something for my birthday and she drew me this.
"Love Sign" was drawn with a pencil, charcoal, conte crayon and acrylic pastels on a piece of watercolor paper.

I apologize for not being around much this week. I'll try to catch up on replying to comments tomorrow. Thanks for you're patience.

Do you ever struggle with inspiration? Do you want to leave me and my guest artist some love?